me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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