Pants 0. Shit 1.
I look better un-naked...
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
