Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
