After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
