He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
