I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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