i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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