New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We are all done wearing pants today
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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