You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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