I showed him my bush... on skype.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
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Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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