i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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