if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
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