bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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