haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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