If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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