Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
birth control should be required to get into college
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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