just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
