# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
