my phone needs a breathalizer
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
