I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
