he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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