I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
