don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
