I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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