Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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