So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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