I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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