I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Do vagina's smell?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
