Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I can't put those talents on a resume
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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