Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
