There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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