:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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