hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
