I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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