and next time when you feel me up, do it right
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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