he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
