Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
