forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
