there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Houston, we have a blender
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
