6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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