Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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