My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
