I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
