he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
