Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
