this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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