So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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