I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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