Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
