Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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