I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
