Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.