I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
